1
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,230
Ah, Jerry. You've got a straight line to the green
from there.

2
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,919
L'wish I had, Sir. I'm behind a tree.

3
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,438
You crawler!

4
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,789
First rule of business.
You play golf with the boss, you always lose.

5
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,878
I'm afraid I shall have to
hack it out from here, Sir.

6
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,718
Tarzan, are you playing golf with us?

7
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,910
They're chestnuts... l think.

8
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,031
Nature's very bountiful, you know?

9
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,397
Are those mushrooms or toadstools?

10
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:18,070
I don't know. You're meant to be playing golf,
not replenishing your larder.

11
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:21,112
That's what you think. Are those damsons?

12
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,716
Will you be putting at all today, Good?

13
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,239
Oh. Sorry. Blackberries.

14
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,591
Hold those, will you?

15
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,559
17.

16
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,591
Sorry.

17
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,151
Oh, well done, Sir. Brilliant putt.

18
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,798
Six for me.

19
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,638
You took eight!

20
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,956
No. Six.

21
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,317
Mind you, Jerry,
you've got an easy tap in for a half there.

22
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,954
Well, nothings safe till it's dead.

23
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,511
Another hole to you, Sir.

24
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,552
I just don't seem to be able to read these greens
like you can.

25
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,591
(Chuckles)

26
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,831
(Tom mimics Jerry)

27
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:47,716
Oh, incidentally, Jerry, Van Kampen
of Holland Plastique's coming over on Saturday.

28
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,512
- Oh, yes, Sir?
- Mm.

29
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,312
Put him up for the weekend, will you,

30
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,239
then bring him in on Monday,
and we'll get down to business.

31
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:56,476
- A pleasure, Sir.
- Good.

32
00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,150
Now, then, 340-yard par four.

33
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,350
Yes, it doglegs round to the right.

34
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,311
- But with your slice...
- My what?

35
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:09,275
The way you can deliberately slice the ball,
you should have no trouble at all.

36
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,994
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

37
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,200
- What are you taking here, Good?
- Pardon?

38
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,880
I said, what are you taking here?

39
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,911
A shotgun.

40
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,551
Rabbits.

41
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:41,471
The thing is, Barbara, I have rehearsed
and rehearsed until I am word perfect.

42
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,909
It's just that I can't remember the lines.

43
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,395
Margo, do get it in proportion.

44
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:50,399
This is an amateur production of
The Sound Of Music at Surbiton Town Hall,

45
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,272
not a command performance.

46
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,960
Yes, I realise that, but I am the star.

47
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,471
If I'm wrong, everything's wrong.

48
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:01,352
Well, what is it about this particular scene
that bothers you?

49
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,751
It's Miss Mountshaft's nephew.

50
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,950
He's playing one of Baron Von Trapp's children.

51
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,514
- So?
- His nose runs, Barbara.

52
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,953
Whenever he's on stage,
there's nowhere else I can look.

53
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,233
Yes, I know what you mean.

54
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,749
Look, would you give me
the lead-in to the song again?

55
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,077
Right, now the setting is
Baron Von Trapp's castle.

56
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,952
- Schloss, actually.
- Schloss, then.

57
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,877
- And Maria...
- That's me, of course.

58
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,993
That's you. You're in your bedroom
and there's a thunderstorm outside.

59
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,509
That will be Mr Wainwright
with his sheet of metal.

60
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:37,909
Of course. Now, the children, frightened by
Mr Wainwright and his sheet of metal, rush in...

61
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:44,229
Yes. Then I, as Maria, sit on the bed
with my arms round the children,

62
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:48,433
hoping desperately that that runny-nosed
little wretch is not one I have to cuddle.

63
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,198
Very sensible.

64
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,312
Now, the children go blah-blah blah-blah-blah.

65
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,317
No, Barbara.

66
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,273
I am not a devotee of Stanislavski.
I need the lines.

67
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,671
Right. "Oh, Fraulein. Oh, Fraulein. Oh, Fraulein.

68
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,519
Oh, Fraulein. Oh, Fraulein.
Oh, Fraulein. Oh, Fraulein."

69
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,473
- There are seven children, you see.
- Yes, I gathered that.

70
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,638
"Oh, Fraulein Maria,
we are frightened by the storm.

71
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,115
We are frightened, oh, Fraulein Maria."

72
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,470
Barbara, can't you give me a little more?

73
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,753
Oh, Margo! I've had a busy day.
I'm not up to playing seven Austrian children.

74
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,713
Oh, sorry, dear.
It's the director in me coming out.

75
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:28,717
A post which is totally inadequately filled
by Miss Mountshaft's brother-in-law,

76
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,751
who has a steel plate in his head.

77
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,189
Now, can you give me the last line again?

78
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,233
- "Oh, Fraulein Maria."
- Yes.

79
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,271
Then I say...

80
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:45,037
Don't be afraid of the storm, children.
Shall I tell you a secret?

81
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,550
Do you know what I do
when I am frightened of something?

82
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,958
Why! I simply think of my favourite things.

83
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,913
"Into song."

84
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,715
Yes, I won't sing, Barbara,
because I'm saving the voice for Friday.

85
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,037
- Right. Very sensible. Well, the lyrics, then.
- Yes.

86
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:08,869
Raindrops on noses and dewdrops on...

87
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,593
No, no, no!

88
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,200
You see, it's that child
and his wretched nose again.

89
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,029
Well, forget his nose.
Now, it's raindrops on roses,

90
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,710
- whiskers on kittens...
- Yes, whiskers on kittens,

91
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,751
bright copper kettles and...

92
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,360
- Warm.
- .warm woollen mittens,

93
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:31,635
wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
these are a few of my favourite things.

94
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,398
- Perfect.
- I think I've got it now.

95
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,752
- When the shark bites, when the bee stings...
Shark?

96
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,553
Oh, my God.
I've strayed into The Threepenny Opera.

97
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:45,470
That's it. It's going to be a total disaster!
I shall be laughed off the stage. I can't! I can't!

98
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,478
Margo, sit down! Now, come on, calm down.

99
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:53,196
- (Sobs)
- Now, look, this is just nerves. That's all it is.

100
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,471
I was the same when I had to play the recorder
at the school concert.

101
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,272
- Really?
- Yes.

102
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,039
If I hadn't been nervous,
I'd have flicked over the pages.

103
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:05,199
As it was, I dashed at it, knocked the stand over
and stuck the recorder up my nose.

104
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,397
Noses keep cropping up, don't they?

105
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:12,718
Yes, but I was only 11. You're a woman of thir...
A mature woman.

106
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,315
You do know it, Margo, and you'll be wonderful.
You'll see.

107
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,513
Thank you, Barbara.

108
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,029
And thank you for stopping
my hysterical outburst.

109
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,594
- It's just that this is so important to me.
- I know.

110
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,837
Look, a couple of gins before you go on,
and you'll knock them dead.

111
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,474
- You won't even notice the runny nose.
- I hope not.

112
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,231
Right, now...

113
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,271
- Hello, girls.
MARGO: Oh, hello.

114
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:36,993
Had a nice gossip?

115
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,953
- No, we played strip poker with the postman.
- Barbara!

116
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,035
(Chuckles)

117
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,957
Well, you chaps had a good round of golf?

118
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,354
Fair. I shot an 87.

119
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,516
- Tom?
- Fair. I shot two rabbits.

120
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,349
- Anything else?
- Blackberries, damsons, a few chestnuts.

121
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,391
I didn't shoot 'em, I picked "em.

122
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,636
I do hope Andrew wasn't offended.

123
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,432
- Oh, no. I let him win.
MARGO: Good.

124
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,359
By the way, darling,
you remember that Mr Van Kampen?

125
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:02,631
- We met him in Amsterdam.
- Oh, yes. Charming man.

126
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,593
One house in Hilversum and one in Delft,
incidentally.

127
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,678
- Nice!
- Anyway, we're putting him up for the weekend.

128
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,838
- We most certainly are not.
- What? Why?

129
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,235
4 The hills are alive with the sound of music

130
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,035
- Oh, my God, I forgot.
- Well, thank you very much, Jerry.

131
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,675
Thank you very much for forgetting
the most important weekend of my whole year.

132
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,111
- But I practically agreed. What am I to do?
- Tell Sir to get...

133
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:29,358
Tell him Margo's got something very important
to do, and you can't put the bloke up. Simple.

134
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,960
But that'd mean saying no.

135
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,630
Well, it would be a change
from saying yes all the time.

136
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,159
Tom wasn't a yes-man
when he worked for the company.

137
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,476
But Tom never got further than the fourth floor.

138
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:45,514
That isn't the point. He takes advantage of
you both. He treats your house like a hotel.

139
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,996
- Margo doesn't mind.
- Not generally, Jerry, no.

140
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,192
But if you deny me my crowing moment
at the town hall,

141
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,470
I shall never respect you again.

142
00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,315
You're perfectly right.
I shouldn't have forgotten in the first place.

143
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,797
- Well, I shall just have to tell Sir no.
- Thank you very much, Jerry.

144
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,835
Cheer up. You're only saying no
to some pot-bellied old twit who cheats at golf.

145
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,473
- Yeah, and slices.
- Exactly.

146
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,511
Well, here's to Jerry.

147
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,871
- Sir Jerry, slayer of pot-bellied old twits.
- Yes.

148
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,071
Mind if I use your loo?

149
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,151
Push, push.

150
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,433
I still think we should've hollowed it out
and sculled home.

151
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,869
But if it got damp, we couldn't have burned it.

152
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,150
Oh, I hate you on the days you're always right.

153
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,555
Oh, stop moaning, or I'll trade you in for a mule.

154
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:45,511
Oh, thanks, Jerry. That's very thoughtful.
You couldn't have left early and given us a lift.

155
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,794
Sorry about that. I've had rather a heavy day.

156
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,513
- Well, did you get in to see Sir?
- Yes.

157
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:54,870
- Did you tell him about the weekend?
- Yes.

158
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,957
- What did he say?
- Nothing much.

159
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,991
Just gave me a month's notice.

160
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,391
Margo, will you please keep still?

161
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,318
- Keep still, woman!
- I'm sorry, Jerry.

162
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,952
These flowers they've given me -

163
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,834
one does not pick dahlias and chrysanthemums
in an alpine meadow.

164
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,271
And I'm still desperately worried
about Baron Von Trapp's lederhosen.

165
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,709
- Why?
- They have not been dubbined properly.

166
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,876
Every time he bends over, they squeak.

167
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,152
Darling, that's his problem.
You can't worry about everything.

168
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,998
No, I know, but I do.

169
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,556
Oh, dear, I haven't even asked
how your job hunting went today.

170
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,830
- Oh, I'm at full cry, don't you worry.
- Good.

171
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,555
- It shouldn't be too difficult to find another job.
- A piece of cake.

172
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:47,276
I must remember not to kick the mountains
as I make my entrance because they wobble.

173
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,952
- Is this the star's dressing room?
- Oh, Tom, Barbara, do come in.

174
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,355
Couldn't afford a telegram, so we made you that.

175
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,391
Oh, how kind.

176
00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:00,149
- Shouldn't they be edelweiss?
- You see, Barbara's noticed.

177
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,670
I told Miss Mountshaft she should've
ordered the real thing,

178
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,509
but, no, plastic will do.
The whole thing is tat, tat, tat.

179
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,473
Awl Now, come on, Margo.

180
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,557
We saw some of the cast
on our way round here.

181
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,592
They look very, very good -
except the kid with the runny nose.

182
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,678
I detest that child!
With his nose running on one side

183
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,714
and the Baron's lederhosen squeaking
on the other, I shall go to pieces. I know I shall!

184
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:27,470
- Overture and learners, please.
- Overture and beginners, you ghastly child!

185
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,319
JERRY: Margo, get a hold of yourself!
- Yes, I must.

186
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,476
One wonders why one does it.

187
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,313
Margo, you'll be wonderful.

188
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,716
- Now, it's raindrops on roses...
4 And whiskers on kittens

189
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,320
There you are, you see.
You'll be a knock-out, Margo.

190
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,920
Don't forget, kid, Flo Ziegfeld is out front.

191
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,476
- Good luck, darling.
- Thank you. You've all been most kind.

192
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,476
Oh! Most kind.

193
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,913
4 The hills are alive with the sound...

194
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,351
Hasn't it gone quiet?

195
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,277
The party! Oh, my God, the party?

196
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,234
The moment the curtain comes down,
we three get everything ready.

197
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,716
- You come later with the cast and friends.
- Yes, of course. Sorry.

198
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,751
Thank you.

199
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,918
Don't trip over the mountains. Don't trip over
the mountains. Don't trip over the mountains.

200
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,951
I suppose we should be grateful
they're not doing it on ice.

201
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,998
Mind you, make it a lot funnier, wouldn't it?

202
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,998
Tom! Now, look, I know you. You will not laugh.

203
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,920
I don't care if the nuns come on in football boots,
you will not laugh!

204
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,556
- Stuff your hankie in your mouth.
- (Chuckles)

205
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,638
- Don't you think we should get to our seats?
- Show time, Jerry.

206
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,194
The roar of the greasepaint,
the smell of the crowd.

207
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,231
Oh, yes.

208
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,553
- You haven't found another job, have you?
- No.

209
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,079
Well, only a matter of time.

210
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,317
Once word gets round a commercial
wizard's on the market, you'll be in.

211
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,431
You are out of touch, Tom. I'm 42.

212
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,075
- At my executive level, that's practically senile.
- But you've got contacts.

213
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,910
The moment they hear you've got the sack,
they sort of fade away, like old soldiers.

214
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,590
- What sort of friends are they?
- They're not friends, they're contacts.

215
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,793
Contacts meet each other in pubs
and boost each other's egos with large gins,

216
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,470
then spend the rest of the day stabbing
each other in the back with large knives.

217
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,831
Oh, Jerry, come on,
there must be plenty of other jobs.

218
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,077
- Not these days.
- Oh.

219
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,839
Oh, poor old Jerry.

220
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,190
It's all right, Barbara. I can still walk.

221
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,753
Don't worry. I'll be all right.

222
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,872
A bad time to get lumbered
with the expense of a first-night party.

223
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,992
The trouble is I've got a last-night party
to pay for as well.

224
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:44,034
- Oh, blimey! When's that?
- Tomorrow. They're only having two nights.

225
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,111
I mean...

226
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,677
.that was The Sound Of Music, wasn't it?

227
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,274
Possibly.

228
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,795
I only asked because at one time I thought
they'd wandered into the Folies Bergeres.

229
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:28,630
You mean the sunrise scene where all the nuns
realised they were in see-through habits?

230
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,796
Yes.

231
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,911
I never really believed in them after that.

232
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:38,636
- Why did Margo sing Maria?
- It's the name of the character she's playing.

233
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,071
I know it is, but I thought
the song came from West Side Story.

234
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,671
- It did.
- Oh.

235
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,550
It struck me as rather odd at the time.

236
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:52,991
I don't think anything would have struck me
as odd by then.

237
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,031
No.

238
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,711
Still, one can't expect an amateur production
to be perfect, can one?

239
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,671
TOM: Not after tonight.

240
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,671
Is the Mayor incontinent?

241
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,913
I don't know. Why?

242
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,951
Well, he kept popping out.

243
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,997
Probably just a music lover.

244
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,031
- Poor Margo.
- (Door bangs)

245
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,911
- Oh, smiles on. Here they come.
TOM: Look out. Quick, quick!

246
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,151
JERRY: Margo, bravo!

247
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,511
Good evening.

248
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,195
Where...? Where's the crowd?

249
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,277
Nobody's coming.

250
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,630
- Well, really!
- Oh. Oh!

251
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,798
Oh, well, let them do what they like.

252
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,037
The show had a few gremlins in it,
but nothing that can't be...

253
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,118
But you, Margo, you were...
l said to you, didn't I, Barbara?

254
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,039
- Yes, you did. And I said...
- And I'll say it again.

255
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,718
A few mistakes agreed,
but all in all you were really...

256
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,751
really... you were...

257
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,871
Bloody awful.

258
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,911
Margo!

259
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,951
Well, I was.

260
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,437
Oh, come on. You can't take all the blame.
The rest of the cast were awful as...

261
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,514
As well. You were going to say "as well".

262
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,278
No, no.

263
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,950
Oh, Margo, look, what leading lady
could possibly do her best

264
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,719
playing opposite a bloke with squeaky trousers?

265
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,198
It was bad enough four rows back,
let alone on stage.

266
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,039
Somebody should have taken him out
and oiled him.

267
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,355
And to have a conductor with his arm in a sling -
his conducting arm, I might add!

268
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,152
And see-through nuns!

269
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,873
Exploding footlights.

270
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,911
(Tom laughs)

271
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,792
(Barbara giggles)

272
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:47,233
No, I'm sorry. Everything you say is true.
But the fact remains that I was the leading lady.

273
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,271
I could have saved that show.

274
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:53,996
Instead of which, I gave a performance
that plumbed the very depths of ineptitude.

275
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,951
I 'am right, aren't I?

276
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:01,235
- Yes, you were terrible.
- Thank you, Tom.

277
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,238
Why did you sing Maria from West Side Story?

278
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,271
You tell me.

279
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:10,598
The state I was in, I might just as easily
have sung the Soldiers' Chorus from Faust.

280
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,551
Well, there's always tomorrow night.

281
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,230
- There isn't. We've been taken off.
- (Tom snorts)

282
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,078
You were only on for two nights.

283
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,033
The Mayor said we were giving the borough
abad name.

284
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,270
What about the people with tickets?

285
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,312
We're telling them that the chandelier is unsafe.

286
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,471
It probably is after tonight.

287
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,639
I spoke very briefly to Miss Mountshaft
after the performance.

288
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,240
Do you know what that stupid woman said?

289
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:45,114
She said, "Never mind, Mrs Leadbetter,
that's show business."

290
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,151
I nearly struck her.

291
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:52,595
Let's celebrate. I mean, let's have a drink.
This'll cheer us all up. Champagne.

292
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,472
- Margo?
- No, thank you, Jerry.

293
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,791
- Barbara?
- Um, no, not at the moment, thanks.

294
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,751
Tom'?

295
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,791
Er... er... not for me, no.

296
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,991
Oh. Oh, well...

297
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,117
- There's lots of food.
- Yes, there is, isn't there?

298
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,359
Oh, come on, Margo, cheer up. A little disaster
at the town hall isn't the end of the world, is it?

299
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:28,474
Of course not. It was a little production
by little people in a little town hall.

300
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,670
Well, that's all right, then.

301
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:35,157
It isn't. The thing that really depresses me
Is that I have been totally selfish.

302
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:40,115
I was so besotted by this fiasco that I never gave
a thought to the really important thing,

303
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,071
which is Jerry losing his job.

304
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,111
Hey, that's all right, darling.

305
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,472
- Getting the sack isn't a tragedy.
- All the best people do it. Look at Ted Heath.

306
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,511
I'd sooner not!

307
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,552
- Well, Wedgie, then.
- Worse! (Chuckles)

308
00:18:53,600 --> 00:19:00,119
I'm not a fool, Tom. I'm an executive's wife
and I know very well, if I take the time to think,

309
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,278
that Jerry is not simply going to walk
into another job.

310
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,310
- Are you, Jerry?
- No, it doesn't look like it.

311
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:12,197
It's all my fault. If I'd entertained Mr Van Kampen
in the first place, you'd never have got the sack.

312
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,550
There was never any question of that.

313
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,830
This show was important to you.

314
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,714
Yes, it was, and look what a total waste of time
it turned out to be.

315
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:25,118
That's not the point. I may have been engaged
to the company, but I am married to you.

316
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,151
Oh, Jerry!

317
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,673
Well, goodbye, all.

318
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,870
- Please, don't go.
- No, don't go.

319
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:37,471
All right, tell you what. You start that end,
I'll start this end and we'll meet in the middle.

320
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:42,640
Jerry and I'll do the same with the champagne.
The last one to pass out will do the washing up.

321
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,592
No, I think I'll go to bed, if you don't mind.

322
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,678
- Good night.
TOM: Good night, Margo.

323
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,071
Jerry?

324
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,111
No, I think I'll be off too.

325
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,113
Well, tuck in.

326
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,471
- You don't mind letting yourselves out, do you?
- No, of course not, no.

327
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,318
- Night, Jerry.
- Night, Jerry.

328
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,351
(Door shuts)

329
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,953
You know the pigs are constipated
and there's no fuel for the generator?

330
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,991
(Dials number)

331
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,909
Yes.

332
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,032
You know we've got grey aphids
in the Brussels sprouts?

333
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,479
Yes.

334
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,272
We aren't half lucky.

335
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,072
I know.

336
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,078
- Who are you phoning?
- I'm trying to get Jerry his job back.

337
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,396
- How?
- Just leave it to me, please.

338
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,272
- How? What?
- Shush, shush!

339
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,596
Hello, Sir? Ah, Tom here, Sir.

340
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,711
Tom Good.

341
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,795
Yes.

342
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,513
Look, Sir...

343
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,395
Well, this is all very pleasant, Tim.

344
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,591
- Tom.
- Tom.

345
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,549
Ah. Nothing like a log fire, hm? (Chuckles)

346
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,796
- Tell me, where do you buy your logs?
- We don't.

347
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,231
We wait till the trees fall over from
Dutch Elm Disease, and haul them home.

348
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,999
Haul? Oh, I see.
You've got your own lorry, have you?

349
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,192
- Not exactly. It's a trolley with four pram wheels.
- Oh.

350
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,551
Here we are. We call this the peapod express.

351
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,432
Ah, homebrew.

352
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:11,198
Be careful. It's very powerful.

353
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:15,473
My dear Tim, I have drunk tequila in Mexico
City,

354
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,478
schnapps in Berlin and sake in Kyoto.

355
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,551
- Cheers!
TOM: Cheers.

356
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,031
My God!

357
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:36,472
Told you. Well, now, you may have thought
this was a social gathering,

358
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,319
but in fact I do have an ulterior motive.

359
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:42,000
I know. You want me to give Jerry his job back.

360
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,673
Yes. All right, I do.

361
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,189
- Why should l7
- I'll tell you.

362
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,359
But first of all, let me say this. You're not a fool,
and I'm not going to treat you like one.

363
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,869
I'm not going to waste time
going all around the houses

364
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,878
to find some infinitely subtle way
to influence your decision.

365
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,992
- I'm just going to come straight to the point.
- When?

366
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,031
But let me add this.

367
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,276
I used to work for you, and I walked out, right?

368
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,550
So now we're just two ordinary blokes, right?

369
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,195
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I'm just going to say what I think.

370
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,356
Yes. But what is it?

371
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,318
Jerry's a nice bloke.

372
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,351
Any more wine?

373
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,351
Well, Jerry is a nice bloke.

374
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,470
So?

375
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,636
- Well...
- Well, what?

376
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:29,116
Nice blokes shouldn't be sacked
for putting their wives before their jobs.

377
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,151
Oh, I think that's for me to decide.

378
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,111
Anything else?

379
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,151
Yes. Lots.

380
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,957
Barbara?

381
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,276
Yes. Yes, actually, I do have something to say.

382
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,151
Why don't you think of the woman in this?
Think of Margo.

383
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:48,239
99 times out of a hundred, she's been
the unofficial hostess for your company.

384
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,999
It's like United Nations next door sometimes.

385
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,873
I mean, she entertains
Russians, French, Belgians.

386
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,639
If you said there were 50 Eskimos
coming for dinner,

387
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,796
she'd be trying to buy whale blubber.

388
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,879
So what was the difficulty
with one single Dutchman last weekend?

389
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,550
Well, I mean she has her own life too,
for heaven's sake.

390
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,069
I think I'll have a drop more of that, if I may.

391
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,071
All right, maybe this'll do it.

392
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:17,476
- I was your top designer at JJM, wasn't [?
- Yes.

393
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:21,957
You take Jerry back, I'm willing to take on
any freelance work your fellows can't handle.

394
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,799
This is a contradiction of terms
of the way I lead my life,

395
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,592
and I don't do it lightly.

396
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,837
You don't have to.
I've found a better designer than you.

397
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,071
But Jerry is a nice bloke.

398
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:38,431
There you go.
You charge your whole argument with emotion.

399
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,278
It's just a waste of time.

400
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,072
I'm a businessman.

401
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:47,149
As a businessman, the one thing that might
sway me would be if you were to tell me

402
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,238
that Jerry was the kind of efficient executive
that I need.

403
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,590
- Well, he is.
- I know.

404
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,756
That's why I've decided to keep him on.

405
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,950
- What?
- I may have been a bit liverish when I fired him.

406
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,630
But putting the fear of God into one's executives
never does them any harm.

407
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,752
If he's learned his lesson,
I'm quite prepared to reinstate him.

408
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:12,671
Then why do you watch us wriggle and squirm
when you've already decided? Are you a sadist?

409
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,758
No, I just thought
that you might like to give Jerry the news.

410
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,679
I'm certainly not going to approach him
personally.

411
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,839
I thought I might use you
as a kind of filter system.

412
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,553
This isn't a sewage farm.

413
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,553
- Will you tell him or not?
- Yes, all right. I'll tell him.

414
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,479
Good. Well, I think I'd better be going.

415
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,909
- Thanks for the drink.
- Oh, not at all.

416
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,871
Thanks for making us better people.

417
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,593
Just tell me one thing, would you?

418
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,995
When you say:
if Jerry has learned his lesson,

419
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,795
you mean if he crawls back, licks your boots
and says sorry for being a naughty boy?

420
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,831
Yes, I suppose I do in so many words.

421
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,953
Cor. And just what the hell
do you give him back in exchange?

422
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,675
18,000 a year, an expense account
and a company car.

423
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,711
Good night.

424
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,634
No, James, no.
It's not that I particularly want to leave JJM.

425
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,230
No, it's just that one likes to keep
the old ear to the ground, you know?

426
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,193
What? Oh, you've heard.

427
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,835
Yes. Yes, all right, James, put it like that.
Yes, I do want a job.

428
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,357
No. No, of course not.

429
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,391
No, well, it's just a thought.

430
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,556
Well, see you around some time, James.

431
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,672
Yeah, and to Margaret. Yes, you must both...

432
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,838
- (Dialling tone)
- I do hope you get dysentery soon, James.

433
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:31,434
Oh, well, so much
for James and Maggie Preston.

434
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:37,434
At least we won't have to listen to any more
of those interminable stories about her womb.

435
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,757
I'm beginning to realise
what it must have been like to have the plague.

436
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,112
Even that social climber Veronica Naismith
cut me dead in the hairdresser's today.

437
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,151
- I hope you cut her back.
- I certainly did.

438
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:50,158
Her auburn rinse
is no longer a secret in Surbiton.

439
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,393
Tom and Barbara
are the only real friends we've got.

440
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:59,116
I'm beginning to see that. It's just a shame
they don't have any influence or money.

441
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,470
I'm afraid we're heading for a recession.

442
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,434
Well, we'll be able to economise
on Christmas cards anyway,

443
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,869
the number of people we've cut off our list.

444
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,992
I've been thinking about having to economise,
Jerry.

445
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,475
In fact, I've already made a start.

446
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,511
Bless you.

447
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,632
Well, you know Mrs Pearson
comes in five days a week to clean?

448
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,116
- Yes.
- I've told her that from now on, it'll only be three.

449
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,271
Thank you, Margo.

450
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,669
It's Ma and Pa Kettle from next door.
Can we come in?

451
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,234
- Yes, of course, Tom and Barbara.
- Have a drink?

452
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,510
Oh, yes, please. I could use one.

453
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,598
- Who's been ruffling your feathers?
- The Marquis de Sade.

454
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,109
- Who?
- Sir. Andy.

455
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,516
You've no idea how close I came
to letting him have it with that bottle.

456
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,233
- When?
- Just now.

457
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,910
- We tried to persuade him to take Jerry back.
- Oh, that was kind.

458
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,396
You'll never know how near he came
to ending up in my effluence digester.

459
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,990
- Never mind. Thanks for trying.
- You can have your job back any time you like.

460
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,838
- What?
- Jerry!

461
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,236
Just make your public confession,
a couple of hours on the ducking stool,

462
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,794
- sack cloth and ashes for a month.
- What a cheek!

463
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:08,959
He's got a lot to learn yet, that man, a lot to learn
about people, that man, I can tell you.

464
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,957
- Got a lot to learn about Jerry.
- Right.

465
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,072
- If he really thinks that Jerry will simply...
- Hello, Sir.

466
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,634
Yes. Jerry here.

467
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:20,637
Yes!
Yes, I say, awfully decent of you about this, Sir.

468
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,637
Very decent indeed.

469
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,990
Yes, yes. Oh, I absolutely agree, Sir.

470
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,509
Andrew and Felicity must come to dinner soon.

471
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,632
As Margo says,
you must come round to dinner soon.

472
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,991
Well, any time you like, Sir.
Open house here, you know that, Sir.

473
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,111
Shall we go and play with our chickens?

474
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,629
JERRY: Saturday? That'll be fine. Yes.

475
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:41,149
How many? Eight?

476
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:43,191
Yes, bring them all along.

477
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,629
All Japanese? How interesting.

478
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,990
I've always wanted to cook seaweed.

479
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,749
Margo says she's always wanted
to cook seaweed. Yes.

480
00:27:51,799 --> 00:27:56,349
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